Everything in my life seen to be bothering me all the time. Eg: friend, family, expenses, transport, house....
Now... most of the time was friend and work. I've been hurt one of my friend too much and i'm feeling guilty for her most of the time and the feeling on me have been spread from me to my gf. Everynight she will be telling me that she feel pity for her and ask me to find a solution for it. Wat can i do? I know that she is pretending now. She like to pretend that she is nothing a lot, maybe she feel that when she is pretending might make the others feel better and no more guilty. She have been telling the world that she was a bad person but the truth is only known by herself. I know that she is hurt a lot from me and i hope she could be able to stand up on her own and forget all the past. I hope i could ask her to stop pretending cause pretending tends to be the best solution but the truth is pretending going to make more hurt and worry to her and other people. I'm a person who like to pretend also, i've been pretend in front of everyone before and i can feel how it is when u are pretending to the world or some one u care..I hope it would end soon... very soon..
Besides, work also was a big problem for me now.. I've been work in this company for almost 18 months. It's hard for me to make my decision to leave the company now but i've been offer from another company which will provide me income more than the existing company but the problem i having is this new company only provide me 2 weeks time to quit my job now. It's cruel cause i am having a post of Assistant Supervisor here and if i have to leave this company in 2 weeks time i'm gonna make this company become a mess.. The whole company seen to be control by me and handle by me for the past 18 months i really dunno wat should i do but for my future i have to take this cruel decision but the other thing is i not sure that am this company employing me yet. I only get 80% of comfirmation and i need to go for the interview tomorrow only will know the result...
Arrghhh... must life being such hard?
Hope that everything will be overcome by me easily, i tired of my life. Hope would live better soon....
At least I seek a slight comfort from you. But please do not feel guilty to me anymore. I know the two of you feel sorry for me, but it does not help... Maybe it helps a little, at least i know that there is still someone really cares about me. I am not irrational... Sometimes the feeling of guilty from two of you are just making me feeling that I am really so pathetic. Am I that pathetic??? Am I? I wonder... Since the three of us knew the truth among us, why should I mind pretending? Why? I pretend or not it does not make any difference... Cause since the day I realized that the world is really cruel and realistic, I told myself that I cannot be like this anymore... I cannot be beaten down by anything, anyone. Even today, I just want to make friend with a guy to expand my social life also got rejected!!! I do not mind it.. But the "hurt" comes back again. As if I deserve all these... Yeah, maybe I really deserve it. My only way to get out from this crazy relation life, is to escape. Do not bother about me anymore. Your sorry, make me feel comfort, make me feel that there is someone still cares about me, whether I die already or not. Right... However, I cannot endure seeing the two of you carrying this unhappiness in both your mind. Although I know that is caring, however I still cannot stop myself from thinking that , that is just a sign of sympathy for me. I do not want to misunderstand what you both want to let me know, but I just cannot.. I already lose confidence. Even a guy, telling me "what the fuck!" when he heard from my friend that i got electrified from him. swt right... I really do not mind about it, what is bothering me is the feeling of getting hurt again. My pay for being bad to all my ex previously, seriously. I am that kind of person... I am so cruel. Save your caring for the others who really needs, a girl like me do not deserve it.There is no turning back for me anymore... No more... If I do not pretend, how am I going to continue my life??!!! You know I will fall if I ruin the wall in my heart. You know it... Stop feeling sympathy for me!!! I do not want until one day, out of a sudden, one from the two of you coming to me and telling me that I am the one who cause problems in others relationship!!! I had it enough for this! Because I had it before. NICK LIAW, YOU KNEW IT. NOW I REMEMBERED. WHILE I WAS IN SECONDARY SCHOOL, MY BROTHER TOOK YOU AND KAM TOGETHER GIVING WARNING TO THAT GIRL AND MY EX... YOU SURE REMEMBER IT DON'T YOU? THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME AND THE LAST TIME I AM GOING TO HAVE THAT KIND OF SITUATION IN MY LIFE!!!! I HATE IT!!! I HATE EVERYONE!!! I HATE MYSELF!!! STOP CARING ABOUT ME!!! I AM NO LONGER A PERSON WHO EXIST IN YOUR LIFE. Let me go please... I beg you. Your guilty and sorry, her guilty and sorry, make me even more guilty and sorry even afraid that, I might be the major reason who bring problem to the two of you. let me go... LET ME GO!!!! Every time I read your post, my tears almost roll down after I had hidden all my feeling behind my heart.. the overwhelmed feeling, I cannot afford to overcome it... The two of you, promise me to live together happily.. I don't want to hear bad news from the two of you... Really.. If not I will hate myself even more... Promise me...
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